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Chapter 11. Personal Best: Revising and ... > It's a Lock: Revise for Unity - Pg. 126

Personal Best: Revising and Editing 126 sportswriter Hugh Fullerton said that something was not quite right. As a result of Fullerton's suggestion, the owner of the White Sox, Charles Comiskey, offered money to anyone who could prove a problem. It took almost a year for three men--Lefty Williams, Eddie Cicotte, and Joe Jackson--to sign confessions admitting the series had been changed and they were in on it. But just before the trial was supposed to start, the confessions esoterically vanished from the office of the Illinois State Attorney. When the case was finally tried, the three men denied having made any confessions and having been involved in any way in the rigging scheme because there was no proof against the three men. Here's my trim. See how the passage snaps to life with a little judicious editing: There have been many controversial World Series, but the most infamous was certainly the thrown World Series of 1919. Even though the White Sox were favored five to one, about two million dollars had been bet on the Cincinnati Reds to win. Sensing a sure thing, Jack Doyle, the head of a New York City betting ring, rigged the series. Actually, the series seemed quite respectable, with the Reds winning it five games to three. For this reason, very few people suspected the players had been bought. Nevertheless, the next day sportswriter Hugh Fullerton suggested that something was not quite right. As a result of Fullerton's suggestion, the owner of the White Sox, Charles Comiskey, offered a cash reward to anyone who could prove a fix. It took almost a year for three men--Lefty Williams, Eddie Cicotte, and Joe Jackson--to sign confessions admitting the series had been fixed and they were in on it. But just before the trial was scheduled to start, the confessions mysteriously vanished from the office of the Illinois State Attorney. When the case was finally tried, the three men denied having made any confessions and having been involved in anyway in the rigging scheme because there was no proof against them. It's a Lock: Revise for Unity As you learned in Chapter 6, "Sentence Sense," to make your writing more succinct, you can also combine related sentences. When you revise for unity, also look for sentences that are off the topic. The following paragraph, for example, contains two sentences that ravage the unity because they have nothing to do with the topic. See if you can find them. (1) Even though a tornado is one of the smallest of all types of storms, it is one of the most dangerous of all storms because of its swiftly spinning winds and unpredictable path. (2) All tornadoes have one common characteristic--the rapidly rotating winds that cause them to spin like a fierce top. (3) Hurricanes can also be very dangerous storms, and they are very common in my neighborhood. (4) Little accurate information on the speed of winds in a tornado is avail- able, but estimates place them often at more than 300 miles per hour. (5) When nearby, a tornado usually sounds like the roaring of hundreds of airplanes. (6) A tornado's whirling winds toss thousands of pounds of debris like matchsticks and smash down on other property, causing even more damage. (7) There was a tornado in my neighborhood last year, but luckily we were away at the time. Word Watch